ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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