At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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