I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
