My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
