I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
