Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
