saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
