I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got inside last night via doggy door
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
