I think my fart just growled at me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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