shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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