okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
