Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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