So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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