yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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