That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
