I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
