Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
