there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
