I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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