Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize