just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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