She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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