your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
