Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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