where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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