remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
