I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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