Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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