well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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