umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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