Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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