pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize