apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
