I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
someone owes me an orgasm
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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