i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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