Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
