I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
