State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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