It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
