id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
