He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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