Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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