ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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