He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sext me about skeletons
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
