Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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