Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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