I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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