I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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