A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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