You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
