Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
COCAINE IS GR8
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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