Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize