thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
