guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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