he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
