Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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