You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
