Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
