I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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