ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
