GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
