I can tuck mytits in my pants
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
