You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
