Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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