Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
