he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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